MODEL 3 IS QUITE THE HAIR-PULLER

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 9.11.44 AMHow can it be that with just 19 days before the Model 3 debut, we still know almost nothing about it? We’ve got Tesla hackers that can find a passing reference to a P100D buried in Model S neuro-transmitters, but nobody can get their mitts on an image of a car?

In light of the latest employment survey showing Tesla is among the most meaningful, but also most stressful, places to work, you’d think that somebody in some state of disgruntlement would leak something to the internet.

Unless:

  1. The culture of fear is so gripping that nobody dares. Do you really want to wake up in the middle of the night to find Elon standing over your bed?
  2. There is no Model 3 in the flesh — just a few carefully-guarded images.
  3. Very few people have access to Model 3 information. Ninety-nine percent of the company might still be in the dark and will learn nothing before March 31, just like the rest of us.
  4. The countless “leaks” we’ve seen from other automakers over the years are really just deliberate and sanctioned buzz-builders. It’s actually not hard to guard such information.
So we’re left with a sock full of “everything we know about Model 3” articles, which merely rearrange the same old moldy crumbs that Tesla tossed us long ago. And the crumbs don’t even belong together. Consider: Model 3 won’t look like other cars, Elon said during a Reddit AMA. Sounds pretty radical. Ah, but a more adventurous version will come afterward. More adventurous than something that already doesn’t look like other cars? Alrighty then. Maybe that just means “more complex,” just as Model X is more complex than the S.

Model III won't look like other cars TeslaMondo

There’s going to be a crossover version. There’s going to be a Model “Y”. There’s going to be something with falcon doors. Do all three crumbs pertain to the same vehicle? Is this the aforementioned “more adventurous” version of Model 3? Is this considered a version of Model 3 due to a shared platform, even though it will be called “Y”?

This new platform is some 20 percent smaller than the S/X. Three-row seating probably can’t happen. So why use falcon doors for a smallish crossover with no third row? Wasn’t third-row access the primary rationale for the falcon doors? Perhaps we’ve got this all wrong.

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 10.04.13 AMEven the Gigafactory’s role in Model 3 is confusing. Musk once tweeted that a fully-operational Gig was essential for Model 3 production. But at the most recent conference call, he said: “It does not appear to be anywhere near the critical path for model 3.”

Can anyone help? Where’s Horshack? He’s gone, dammit. Where’s Mr. Kotter? Still wearing his poker face, dammit. Since this post is stuck in the 70s, let’s evoke Joni Mitchell. Along with clouds, love and life itself, we really don’t know Model 3. At all.

See also: What Model III Will Totally Look Like

*Editor’s Note: This and countless other Tesla-related posts appear on TeslaMondo. Check it out here.